


c'est bien, mon amour

by armethaumaturgy



Category: Elsword (Video Game)
Genre: Almost smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Communication, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, but then Esper has a breakdown, unf my kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-30
Updated: 2018-01-30
Packaged: 2019-03-11 15:00:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13526718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/armethaumaturgy/pseuds/armethaumaturgy
Summary: Esper can't give his lovers what he knows they deserve. And he can't help but apologize for it.Thankfully his lovers are there to reassure him.





	c'est bien, mon amour

**  
**

It may have been funny to watch Infi setting up all the candles and stretching on his tiptoes to place them and light them, but Esper has to admit watching Sia look at the whole bedroom is even more entertaining than he could've imagined. **  
**

"What's the point?" Sia asks, clearly frowning at the candle atop their wardrobe, cautious about it falling over and setting the wood ablaze.

Esper has to agree, he doesn't see the point in excessive fire hazard either, but Infi had brushed him off all day, so he didn't do much else at this point other than chuckle at Infi's obvious pouting.

"Well, you gotta set the mood, it's important!" Infi huffs, crossing his arms. "Your first time should be special! You know, atmosphere, going slow, with someone you love!"

Sia replies with something, but Esper can't hear it over the ringing suddenly in his ears. He shakes in his seat on the bed, staring through Infi. So that's why he did all this…?

Esper would laugh, were his throat not feeling like it had changed to the roughest possible sandpaper. He slowly pushed himself up.

When had Infi and Sia started kissing? How long had he been sitting there? He doesn't know. Doesn't want to know. He swallows heavily, feeling like he's trying to push down a lump of bile, and who knows, maybe he is. He certainly tastes it on the back of his tongue, at least.

"I'm sorry," he forces out, not recognizing his own voice with how shaky and scratchy it is. "I can't…"

Any more words don't make it past his dry lips as he springs forward, pushing the door open with more force than necessary. Sia and Infi watch him in confusion, not understanding his sudden change in attitude. Infi dashes after him.

"Es…! Where are you going?!" he cries, brows furrowed and lip being gnawed in, but Esper doesn't stop, instead opens a portal mid-hallway and hops through it, leaving behind only a few pink particles.

Infi stops in the doorway, one hand outstretched towards where the portal had flickered out of existence, towards where the particles dusted the floor, towards where he'd seen Esper's shaking shoulders.

"Sia!" Infi exclaims, but the ex-priest is right there next to him, frowning viciously and obviously deep in thought.

"Something is wrong," Sia says finally, eyes flicking to the candle on the vanity as it drips down the side and makes him worry.

"Yes, thank you Mr. Obvious! I could've deduced that myself!" Infi hisses, but Sia knows he isn't angry at him, nor at anyone in particular. He places a hand on Infi's shoulder to try and calm him.

"Let's go look for him, he won't be far."

Infi just nods, brows perpetually stuck together with wrinkles and making him look older than he is. Now he knows what it feels like when Elsa is overprotective, from her view.

Sia offers him a small smile, though it doesn't quite reach his eyes, and the two of them run down the hallway in search of their other lover and some answers.

* * *

 

Esper has a safe place. It's not like one of his pocket dimensions turned bedrooms for when he's hopping to and fro, no. It's just the kitchen.

The smell of hot cocoa powder is soft and gentle and the steam from his mug hits him in the face in just the right way. His fingers won't still, either moving along the warm ceramic or tapping its surface.

He'd pulled a chair to the very corner of the room, where the table is almost squished to the wall and where no one but him likes sitting.

He knows he'll be found soon, there's no way the others won't check the kitchen, of all places. He contemplates actually hiding in one of the pocket dimensions until he calms down, until he can force himself to play a charade his lovers deserve.

Infi's words weigh heavy on his mind. Sia used to be a priest, it's plain to see he'd have stayed celibate. There's also the matter of him not being quite human. And Infi, well, Infi haven't had anyone else before the two of them.

But then there's him, already used, already soiled. There's a knot in his stomach and the next gulp of cocoa wants to go back out rather than stay down. There's no way he can give Infi what he wants his first time to be, even if he so desperately wishes to.

"Es."

Esper raises his head from where he'd rested it against the table. He can feel his own face contorted into a painful grimace, and he's only proven when Infi's worried expression softens into something gentler.

Sia is right behind him, barely a few levels calmer than the redhead. Which, in Sia mannerism, means he's freaking out inside. Esper wants to curl up into the corner further, until there's none of him left.

"Esper, what happened?" Infi asks, sitting down opposite of Esper.

Esper suddenly regrets his decision to corner himself. There's nowhere to run and Infi is leaning over the tabletop and there's nowhere to go, there's nowhere he can hide.

This is it, the last straw.

Infi and Sia had already tolerated too much from him, all the weird mannerisms and snark and aversion, and this is probably the end. They're going to break up with him and it'll all be his own fault for not being better, for not even being able to give them the first time they deserve.

He feels like crying, but really, it'd do nothing at this point except make him look even more pathetic.

"I'm sorry," he chokes out, trying his best to give a cheeky grin. The results are questionable. "I can't give you the first time you want."

The concerned, worried expression is back on Infi's face. Why doesn't he look angry? That would be so much easier to deal with. "If you don't wanna do it, we won't! We don't have to do it today, we can wait as long as you need!"

Why is Infi doing this? Esper's eyes brim with the tears he had sworn not to shed. He'd sworn to do a lot of things in his life, hadn't he? "Infi, I… I physically can't give it to you."

"That's fine, we don't have to do anything at all, ever, so--"

Infi is cut off by Sia, who places a hand onto his shoulder and shakes his head. He sits down instead of towering over the both of them, but next to Esper instead of Infi. It makes the sense of cornered-ness even worse, but it's Sia, still keeping his distance while looking down at him not in disgust, but in sympathy.

"Infi," Sia says, surprising both of them by addressing Infi and not Esper. Somehow it's comforting, in a twisted way. "What Esper is trying to say is, he doesn't have his first time anymore, is that correct?"

Infi perks up at that, as if the thought never even crossed his mind before now. "You already had a lover before, Esper?" he asks, because what else would Elsword Infi Sieghart do in this situation but stay completely oblivious to all the unspoken hints.

Esper shakes his head, pushing his mug away so he could hide his face. His shoulders shake.

He told himself he wouldn't cry.

“Elsword, I don’t think that’s the case,” Sia says softly. “Is it that you’ve been… how do you say, robbed of it, Esper?” And, just like that, just like always, Sia hits the nail on the head. How can he just be so blunt about something like this, Esper will never understand.

Infi tenses up, looking at Esper with wide eyes. Again, Esper wishes the ground could — and would — open up to swallow him whole. Alas, he isn’t so lucky. “I’m sorry,” he mutters, hugging himself and digging his nails into the exposed skin of his upper arms to calm himself.

“Ohh, oh, Es,” Infi coos, standing up and moving the table a bit. The cocoa in Esper’s paw mug almost spills over, and Esper only notices because he’d decided to glue his gaze to it instead of even glancing at his lovers. Infi wraps his arms around him, all tangled up as he is, and it’s tight and warm and Esper jerks back, confused.

“Infi—?” he asks, putting his hands between them, onto Infi’s chest as if to push him away, but he doesn’t, he just keeps them there, trembling and unsure. “Let go…”

“I don’t want to. Do you really want me to?” Infi replies, squeezing further.

Esper wouldn’t admit it aloud (maybe he would. maybe if he wasn’t so confused and on the verge of a breakdown), but he feels so much better thanks to the physical contact. He doesn’t want Infi to let go, not really. “No…”

“Then I won’t,” Infi states, and gives another soft squeeze to prove his point.

Esper shakes, sniffling, and then he finally breaks down, the tears that have been clinging to his lashes finally spill over and run down his cheeks in black rivulets and soak into Infi’s shirt. “I’m sorry,” he repeats, over and over, though half of it is illegible thanks to the sobbing.

“Stop,” Ain mutters, right behind Infi. His face is blurry through the tears in Esper’s eyes, but his voice is soft and the tone makes Esper want to obey. Not out of fear like when someone yells, but more in a soothing manner. “Why are you apologizing?”

“You… deserve better,” Esper manages to choke out. He must look awful, with the tears and snot all over his face, but Infi still holds him close, despite that. “I can’t… give it to you!”

“Shhh, shush, Es,” Infi coos into his ear once more and Esper’s body goes lax as if on command. “It’s not your fault, oh goddess it isn’t your fault.”

“Don’t apologize,” Sia says. His limbs are long enough that he can can wrap both of his boys into an embrace, squishing Esper against the two of them. “Please don’t apologize for that.”

“I’m—” sorry… Esper purses his lips before he can apologize again, features contorting into a grimace even as he nods. He’s still sniffling and gross, but he’s between his lovers and they’re telling him it’s okay. And for once, he thinks he believes it.

“We’ll figure it out. We’ll make it good for all of us.”

Sia nods, pulling away. “Your first time willingly giving yourself to someone is worth more than just the first time itself anyway, I think.” He looks to Infi for confirmation, unsure whether he’s actually making sense. But Infi nods vehemently. “We’ll be better than whoever forced you.”

Esper wants to scream, yell that they could never ever be like the bandits, could never hold him down, chain him up like they’ve done. They’d never force themselves on him if he was crying, or even looked uncomfortable. That’s just how they are, always so nice to him...

Infi starts unwinding himself from around Esper, but Esper surges forward to keep them close. “Just a little more,” he begs, “Please.”

Infi and Sia smile down at him as he smothers his face into the cotton of Infi’s top, hiding his red, messed up face. “As long as you want,” Infi affirms, and Esper wants to cry all over again.

But he doesn’t, because he has two wonderful men holding him close and his heart is swelling with pure love.

“I love you,” he utters, half muffled, but both his lovers hear him loud and clear. And their ‘We love you too’s are just as loud and clear to him.


End file.
